Sometimes I envy the people who were forced into it, because they were in the confortable position of being victms. Me? I really keep thinking that I had a choice, that it was up to me somehow... but really, it wasn't. I was coerced. He didn't rape me off only literally, he raped my trust, my inocence, my desires, he made me find pleasure in being abused, he made me part of his game. In his hands I was a fool. He didn't run after me, he made me come to him. I feel stupid and used. I'd rather had been forced. This part of me, my stolen decency, my dignity, my integrity... of it all, is what I miss the most.

I don't know what to say. I feel like there's no words that might describe how it was and what if meant ot me, and most importantly, how I felt. I can't describe how I felt and it hurts that no one will ever know, ever undestand.

I talk a lot but I can't avoid feeling speecheless, I feel like I don't know how to communicate. Sometimes I feel like I'm not from here, then I get silent, and silence speaks out loud so I talk again.

I pretended it didn't happen. That's how I used to deal with it. But I knew, I always knew. I was never good at fooling myself as I was with others. That made me quite a good lier. I'm very honest though. My lies never reached me, I was honest to myself about my confusion, about how messed up I was somewhere hidden inside of me. I knew I didn't know shit. I still don't know, but I guess a lot.

Sometimes the silence ir really silent and I'm not sure whether I like it. I feel like taking a deep breath, or I feel like drowning. So I might scream or just shut up, I can't define what I am. I'm not that simple.

But who, deep inside their thoughts and feelings, is simple? Aren't we all speacial, different, complicated, unique beneath our covers? Or are we just ordinary, boring, mundane people, dying to be alive?

all the frogs we have to swallow

"Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail. And that is a very tricky thing on my part... making that call."



Falando em perdão, mágoas e pecados é difícil definir qual atitude tomar, quando definir, saber, certo, errado todas essas palavras esnobes, deterministas e cheias de verdade já deram, sério. A verdade, outra palavra cheia de verdade, é que ninguem sabe de nada, eu acho. Escrever se torna cada vez mais difícil na medida que eu quero negar desesperadamente tudo que escrevi, não para dizer o contrário, mas para não dizer nada at all. I don't know shit. E no entanto acredito e defendo tantas coisas... eu não sei, e tenho orgulho de não saber, acho. Cada caso é um caso, and i think of the scream, and all the frogs we have to swallow.

most of the times we don't quite know what to do, so what we do get to do, is what should have been done.

As coisas são o que são, e isso não pode ser mudado. Até as atitudes mais premeditadas e artificiais são as mais naturais a serem tomadas, pois foram motivadas pelo sentimento que as causou.

eu acho.

Nothing is out of place, but everything is moving.